


ShinRa's Guide to Survival For SOLDIER and ShinRa's Finest

by Gothams_Only_Wolf



Series: ShinRa's Guide To Survival [4]
Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII, Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, BAMF Cloud Strife, Canon-Typical Violence, Fluff and Crack, M/M, Multi, Strife Coffee Syndrome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-15
Updated: 2018-11-15
Packaged: 2019-08-24 08:15:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16636238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gothams_Only_Wolf/pseuds/Gothams_Only_Wolf
Summary: If ShinRa had one rule, it was never,everget between First Sgt. Strife and his coffee.They didn't know it applied to the Generals too.Five times the Strife Coffee Syndrome struck ShinRa's best and the one time it didn't





	ShinRa's Guide to Survival For SOLDIER and ShinRa's Finest

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ChaosBalance](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChaosBalance/gifts).



> I've been trying to make my way back into this universe for a while now and ChaosBalance finally managed to wake the Muses up with a new prompt! 
> 
> As requested, there is also more Ma. 
> 
> Enjoy~ 
> 
> If you spot all of the references, you get a fic in this verse..

* * *

**I.**

* * *

Sephiroth prided himself on his control; it was one of the things Cloud had been trying to get him to relax about. 

So when Sephiroth's mission, taking on a pride of Behemoths, was assigned with a full contingent, he packed everything with care. 

... Everything, that is, but the small silver pack of Nibel coffee with his name taped on it.

* * *

Behemoth missions were long, drawn out things. Infantry and SOLDIER alike hated them with equal fervor. 

They sucked and everyone knew it. 

He was about to drink his second cup when he felt, rather than heard, Sephiroth looming. Without blinking, Cloud creamed and sugared the coffee and handed it over his shoulder. He picked up the blue cup with the Chocobo on one side with a Nibel wolf painted over the ShinRa sign. 

"You forgot your coffee, didn't you?" 

Sephiroth curled around the mug, the space in his lap quite inviting. He took full advantage of the offer to settle there. "... Yes, yes I did." Cloud clucked his tongue and petted soothingly at his chest as Sephiroth savored his coffee. "Before you ask, I broke the ShinRa record for most killed Behemoths in under three hours. The Thirds accompanying me didn't even get to lift thier swords, let alone support me." 

He only shook his head and replied, "My first week here, Supply _"forgot"_ my Ma's packages." 

"I take it there's more?" 

"I broke the ShinRa record for the number of take-downs in Combatives. It has yet to be broken by any Cadet before or since my tenure. Supply figured out it was easier to leave my packages alone, especially when I caught them with my coffee." 

"How many did you pretzel?" Seph prodded, knowing of Cloud's... proclivity toward coffee-thieves. 

"Oh no, I hit them so that they shit themselves. The pretzel thing came at the advice of my Ma; less messy _and_ I've got a seat." Cloud's slow-spreading grin made Supply scoot further away from them. 

Sephiroth chuckled behind the rim of his mug. 

Cloud would have to tell his Ma that her coffee affected SOLDIERs too.

* * *

**II.**

* * *

Angeal strived to stay reasonable and approachable; he liked that he could be relied on. 

Hollander demanded that he take tests, steering him away from the nice, full carafe of Nibel coffee without having drunk a single drop. 

He began the same internal mantra he used with Zack: 

_Don't lose your temper, he won't understand and it'll hurt your progress._

Unfortunately, it failed by the third iteration when Hollander stabbed him with a needle.

* * *

Cloud barely flinched when Angeal burst through the wall of Lab # 14, only cupping his hand over his fourth coffee of the day so that plaster wouldn't ruin the flavor. 

He'd had an inkling when Angeal's dumb-apple mug (Gen's gift to him) had remained dry on the rack and without a trace of coffee in it. 

Cloud hadn't made it to First Sgt on coffee alone, after all; he'd preemptively made an entire thermos just for Angeal in case he snapped like Seph. 

He brushed the white plaster off of Angeal's lovely shoulders, armor and out of his hair in soft strokes as he offered the thermos. "There's coffee in that." 

Angeal kissed him in full view of a gawping ShinRa public but cracked open the thermos with a more delicate touch than he'd had in the past hour. 

As Cloud cleaned his Banoran love off, he heard that Angeal had ripped through three floors of Labs chasing after Hollander. 

That Hollander had pissed himself in fear and lay crumpled in the corner of Lab # 14. 

Cloud left Angeal to drain the thermos as he picked through the rubble to stand in front of Dr. Hollander with a hand on his hip and and shake his head. 

"Nibel coffee is serious business, Dr. Hollander." 

"Strife." The stiff acknowledgement had him smiling. 

"Oh, I've had my coffee. No need to worry, sir. But I highly suggest _caution_ when grabbing any General in the future without first allowing them a cup." Cloud chirruped effortlessly. 

"... Noted, First Sgt. Strife."

* * *

**III.**

* * *

Zack adored damn near everyone on sight. 

He couldn't help it; Fairs had a long history of adopting people into their family, necessarily wanted or not. 

He'd fallen in _love_ , however, with a ballsy, curse-spitting blond clinging to a Behemoth shoulder and his Ma's coffee. 

So when Medical told him absolutely no fluids, he resigned himself to possible chaos.

* * *

The first three hours weren't so bad. 

He cheered everyone else up in the waiting room until it was his turn to get stabbed and questioned until he could feel his brains turning to mush. 

In and out. 

Out then in. 

Each session hunched his shoulders in and slowly lit the long fuse of his patience. 

In and out. 

Out again, then in. 

In and out. 

The last test of the day, he was grumbling through pretty much all of it and he had a massive headache (which he recognized as caffeine-induced halfway through the day). 

The nurse took one look at his scowl and was quick to reassure him that his test results would be out quickly. 

"Thank you."

"Is there anything I can get you?" 

"Fluids and First Sgt. Strife." He quipped sarcastically. 

"You're free to go get those yourself, if you'd like," Dr. Jones replied as she read over his charts. "... Did you say Strife? As in—" 

"'Touch my coffee and I pretzel the ever-loving shit out of you' Strife? Then yeah."

* * *

Cloud walked into the exam room with Zack's stupid Moogle mug, filled to the brim with Nibel coffee and hot chocolate powder stirred into it. 

"I thought you might need this." He offered the mug, squeaking as Zack snagged his waist and slowly sipped the gods-offending mix with a look of damn near bliss. "Better?" 

"I've had a headache most of the day, my patience is about level zero and this is the best thing to happen to me all day." Zack licked at his lips and spoke frankly, snuggling against Cloud's scarf. "Gods, you smell like you've been dunked in coffee." 

"I drink four cups a day, Puppy. I sure hope I smell vaguely like my favorite drink." He teased before he petted familiar black spikes. "Wanna go home and have some more?" 

"How did I get so lucky? Hot boyfriends who are also super smart and the perfect cuddle height after a shitty day? Who's a lucky Puppy? I am, yo." 

Cloud swatted Zack for using Reno's turn of phrase but his smile said he didn't mind.

* * *

**IV.**

* * *

After two incidents and a prevented one, ShinRa was praying to every god, goddess and minor deity they could think of that Genesis would never be deprived of Nibel coffee. 

All but Director Palmer, who thought he was above such things. 

Tact had never been Genesis' strong point, as the Board of Directors was about to find out.

* * *

Genesis was about to open his mini-thermos full of Nibel coffee when a hand appeared in front of his vision and plucked it away. He narrowed his eyes and tracked the hand to an unrepentant Palmer. 

"Gyahahaha! What sort of swill is this, General?" 

Genesis' left eyes twitched briefly. "It is _not_ swill." 

Civility was a must; Cloud wouldn't kiss him if he decapitated a Board Member. "What, imported coffee from your home isn't good enough anymore?" 

"Hand it back, Director." He said with a tight smile. 

"No." 

The mini-thermos never made it to the trash can. 

Flames roared to life as Genesis' patience, thin enough to begin with, snapped. 

"That is _hand-picked Nibel coffee_ , you sorry excuse of an Elfadunk." Genesis snarled as he cradled the tiny thermos. "It grows only three weeks out of the year and it is the best coffee you will _never_ taste. Comparing it to Mideelese coffee is like comparing a 1,000 gil steak on the Plate with a Grand Horn special at Bruin's." 

The gasp in the room meant that Genesis could smile at Palmer and watch the slow trickle of fear turn into a flood. 

"You almost threw away First Sgt. Strife's personal coffee. I can, of course, inform—" 

"Anything but that." Palmer gibbered, practically pleading with Genesis. 

"Touch the Strife coffee again and you will most certainly pay for it." He chuckled evilly and dispersed the flames with a casual snap of his fingers. " _There are no dreams, no honour remains_."

* * *

**V.**

* * *

Tseng was halfway through his morning routine when he sniffed the coffee in his mug with a suspicious squint. He inhaled again, tasting it with a expression that a porcelain doll would be jealous of— blank with a flat black gaze. 

The righteous fury that flared was like nothing the Turks had ever seen; the target would be better off digging a grave than apologizing for whatever it was they did. 

Nibel coffee was a godsdamned blessing. 

Whoever took it from his personal drawer would suffer a fate worse than death.

* * *

Tseng methodically tore apart the Turk bullpen, his nose keyed to the scent of his coffee. 

Whilst tearing through another desk, he zeroed in on the smell. 

Oh Reno, Reno, Reno... A more apt description for The Hanged Man and The Fool there never was. 

Tseng cracked his neck, his knuckles and turned about precisely on his heel to find Reno. 

The Turks, as one, shivered at the pure _murder_ showing plain on his face.

* * *

No one at ShinRa's quite sure how to approach Tseng about taking Reno down from the ropes he's been tied in for a week now. 

The Director of the Turks turned to Cloud to solve the seemingly unsolvable. 

Cloud shook his head but murmured, "I gotta call my Ma but I think I know how to get Reno down." 

"Turk resources are at your disposal." Veld murmured. 

"... Even the helicopters?" 

"Yes." The reluctant answer made Cloud hum.

* * *

Within 48 hours, Cloud had a solution to the Reno problem. 

The side-effect was that there were now two Strifes; not to mention more than one Turk absolutely loyal to them.

* * *

**+I.**

* * *

Claudia took in her son's workplace and bullied her way into the decade-empty position of Culinary Executive with the help of that nice Turk, Tseng. 

She cleaned the kitchen with the help of Cloud, Vincent and those wonderful boyfriends (plural, but then again her Storm Cloud had always had a big heart). 

Getting a budget was a breeze and much easier to manage than her crumbled delivery service. 

She got her morning cup from Cloud's machine. 

Claudia rose a brow when her cup went missing. 

She mentally counted down to three and then hauled the hapless Infantry soldier hiding around the corner up by his straps. "Young man, I do not appreciate being denied my morning coffee. Do you know what First Sgt. Strife does to people who do that to him?" 

"P-pretzel, ma'am." 

"Where do you think he learned it from?" 

"His Mother, ma'am." 

"I'm his Ma. If you don't tell me where my mug is after I count to five, I'm following in my son's footsteps." She asserted coolly, "One... two..." The soldier wilted in her grip and pointed up. "Fetch it for me please." 

"Yes, ma'am." 

"Your Mother would be ashamed of your actions." She told him as she let go so that he could retrieve her mug. 

"Yes, ma'am. I'm sorry ma'am." 

"You home-sick?" 

The soldier wilted even further but answered quietly, "... Yes, ma'am." 

"You tell whoever dared you to do this that they're missing out on my cookies in the Chow Hall. You get the second batch." Claudia sighed as she licked her thumb and rubbed away a bit of schmutz on the young man's face. "Go do what you need to but come back for your cookies, okay?"

* * *

Cloud overheard a Private crying about disappointing his own Mama and how nice Cloud's own Ma happened to be and that she'd offered him cookies. 

He cracked up laughing as the same Private went on to say, "No wonder First Sgt. Strife was so unruffled by ShinRa, holy shit. His Ma's scarier than every Drill ever."

**Author's Note:**

> Comment, complain, ect.


End file.
